• How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber
  • Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings

  • Allowing Feelings


    Children's emotions can often be intense and overwhelming. It is essential for parents and caregivers to create an environment where feelings are allowed to be expressed. When we say, "It's okay to be sad," we validate their feelings, allowing them to feel understood and accepted. By making it clear that all emotions are acceptable, we help children learn to navigate their feelings safely without fear of judgment.

  • Acknowledging Feelings with Words


    Children benefit greatly from seeing their feelings acknowledged in words. By reflecting their emotions back to them, we help them to articulate what they are experiencing. Phrases like, "It seems like you're really upset," or, "I can see that you're excited about this!" can provide clarity and understanding. This practice encourages them to express their emotions more effectively and helps build their emotional vocabulary.

  • Giving Children Their Wishes in Fantasy


    Sometimes, children feel powerless and crave the ability to control their circumstances. One effective strategy is to allow children to express their wishes in fantasy scenarios. For example, if a child wishes to stay up late, use imaginative language: "What would it be like if you could stay up all night?" This not only validates their feelings but also provides them with an opportunity to explore their desires without restrictions, fostering creativity and emotional exploration.

  • Accepting Feelings Without Judging


    It's crucial for caregivers to approach children's feelings without judgment. Statements like, "You shouldn't feel that way" can lead to shame and confusion. Instead, we should embrace their feelings and let them know they are valid. This approach encourages kids to open up and communicate honestly. By practicing non-judgmental acceptance, we empower children to manage their emotions and build resilience in the face of challenges.
  • Engaging Cooperation

  • Understanding the Importance of Cooperation

    Cooperation is essential in fostering a positive environment between parents and children. When children feel understood and respected, they are more likely to cooperate and contribute positively to the relationship.

    As Adele Faber notes, “The more we understand their world, the easier it will be to create a workable solution.” This understanding lays the groundwork for dialogue and mutual respect.

  • Describing What You See

    One effective way to engage cooperation is by describing observations without judgments. This can be done as follows:

    • Use clear and concise language.
    • Avoid leading statements or conclusions.
    • Focus on actions rather than character.

    This way, children can understand what you expect from them. For example: “I see that your room is still messy” rather than saying, “You’re so lazy!”

  • Expressing Your Feelings

    It’s important to communicate feelings to foster empathy. Use ‘I’ statements to articulate feelings. For instance, say:

    • “I feel frustrated when you don’t help out.”
    • “I get worried when you don’t follow rules.”

    This approach can help children connect with your emotions while reducing defensiveness.

  • Offering Choices

    Empower children by giving them choices, which encourages cooperation. For example:

    • “Would you like to take a bath now or in ten minutes?”
    • “Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after?”

    This not only diversifies the options available but also gives children a sense of control and autonomy.

  • Writing a Note

    Sometimes written communication can be more effective, especially for children who might need time to process feelings or instructions. Consider writing a note that includes:

    • A brief description of what you need from them.
    • Your feelings about the situation.
    • A suggestion for resolving the issue.

    For instance, “I noticed you left your shoes in the hallway. I feel overwhelmed by the clutter. Could you please put them away?”

  • Alternatives to Punishment

  • Pointing Out a Way to Be Helpful

    Encouraging Helper Behavior: It's essential to redirect the child's behavior towards positive actions. Instead of solely focusing on the misbehavior, guide them to understand how they can be helpful. For example, if a child has not cleaned up their toys, instead of punishing them, say, "I notice the toys are all over the floor. How can you help me make this space tidy again?" This approach validates their ability to contribute positively, while still addressing the issue at hand.

  • Expressing Strong Disapproval Without Attacking Character

    Focus on the Behavior: When disapproving of a child’s actions, it's crucial to separate the behavior from the child’s character. Instead of saying, "You are a bad kid for lying," try, "I feel upset when I hear a lie because honesty is important to me." This method reinforces that their actions can be corrected while maintaining their self-esteem.

  • Stating Expectations

    Clear Communication: Make your expectations clear to the child to prevent misunderstandings. For instance, you might say, "I expect you to complete your homework by dinner time." Clear statements about what you expect guide the child’s behavior effectively without resorting to punishment.

  • Showing the Child How to Make Amends

    Teaching Responsibility: When a child causes harm, it's vital to help them understand how to rectify their actions. For example, if they broke a toy, guide them by saying, "Let’s think of a way to fix this or help out the person who owns it. Do you want to give them one of your toys as a gesture?" This promotes empathy and accountability, showcasing that mistakes can lead to learning experiences.

  • Offering a Choice

    Empowering the Child: Instead of imposing punishments, offering choices can lead to better outcomes. An example could be, "You can choose to finish your homework now or after dinner. What works best for you?" This technique empowers children, makes them feel respected, and encourages them to take responsibility for their decisions without feeling coerced.

  • Taking Action

    Involvement in Solutions: Instead of merely punishing, involve the child in problem-solving. Ask questions like, "What do you think we can do to avoid that situation next time?" This involvement encourages them to think critically about their actions and consider their consequences, helping them learn from their experiences.

  • Problem-Solving

    Collaborative Solutions: Utilize a collaborative approach to address issues without punishment. For example, if fighting occurs, ask, "What can we do to solve this problem together?" Working jointly to find a resolution fosters a sense of teamwork and helps the child develop conflict-resolution skills.
  • Encouraging Autonomy

  • Letting Children Make Choices

    When we give children the opportunity to make choices, we respect their individuality and encourage their decision-making skills. Adele Faber emphasizes that allowing kids to choose fosters a sense of autonomy. For instance, instead of saying, 'What do you want for lunch?' you can frame it positively: 'Would you like a sandwich or a salad for lunch?' This small shift not only gives them a choice but also enables them to feel in control of their environment.

  • Showing Respect for a Child's Struggle

    Children often face difficulties as they learn new skills. Faber points out the importance of respecting these struggles rather than rushing to solve problems for them. Instead of saying, 'Let me help you with that,' try, 'I see you're working hard on this. What do you think you can do next?' This approach validates their efforts and fosters persistence, making them more confident in overcoming challenges independently.

  • Avoiding Rushing to Answer Questions

    Often, parents feel compelled to provide immediate answers to their child’s inquiries. Faber advises against this reflex. Allowing a child to ponder and seek answers on their own promotes critical thinking. For example, if a child asks, 'Why is the sky blue?' instead of instantly providing the answer, consider responding with, 'That's a great question! What do you think?' This encourages curiosity and empowers them to explore the answer in their way.

  • Encouraging Use of Outside Sources

    Faber highlights the significance of letting children learn from resources beyond their home. Encourage them to read books, consult trusted adults, or explore educational websites. For instance, if your child struggles with a math concept, suggest they look for an online video or ask their teacher for clarification. This not only enhances their learning experience but also teaches them to seek out diverse perspectives.

  • Not Taking Away Hope

    A crucial aspect of fostering autonomy is to resist the urge to eliminate hope in difficult situations. Faber emphasizes that children need to feel that their efforts can lead to success. Instead of saying, 'You'll never finish this project on time,' you can encourage them with, 'It's tough, but I believe you can find a way to get through this.' Such statements provide reassurance while still acknowledging the challenge, instilling perseverance in their spirit.
  • Chapter on Praise

  • Understanding Praise

    Praise is a powerful tool in parenting. It can foster a child's self-esteem and motivate them towards positive behavior. According to Adele Faber, noticing and acknowledging a child’s efforts can lead to a more confident and capable individual. Parents should focus on specific actions rather than general traits to make praise more effective.
    Key Point: Specific praise reinforces good behavior, making children more aware of what they did well.

  • Describing the Behavior

    When giving praise, it's important to describe what you observed. This not only shows your child that you were paying attention but also helps them understand what they did right.
    - Instead of saying, “Good job,” try saying, “I noticed you put your toys away without being asked!” - This method makes the praise authentic and meaningful, helping children to recognize the specific actions they should repeat in the future.
    Tip: Use descriptive language to highlight the actions you want to encourage.

  • Sharing Your Feelings

    Expressing your emotions when you praise allows children to see the impact of their actions on others. When you share your feelings, your child can feel your genuine excitement and joy.
    For example, saying, “I felt so proud when you shared your toys with your friends,” conveys your emotional response. This connection fosters deeper trust and encourages children to engage in the praised behavior.
    Takeaway: Sharing feelings can deepen the child’s understanding of their positive impact.

  • Summarizing the Behavior

    Once you’ve described what you’ve seen and shared how you feel, it’s beneficial to sum up the praised behavior with a single word. This concise feedback helps children remember what specifically earned them your praise.
    For instance, after the previous example, you might finish with, “You were so generous!” This reinforces the behavior and makes it clear which quality was commendable.
    • Generosity
    • Kindness
    • Bravery
    Advice: Use a strong, positive adjective that embodies the action you want to encourage.

  • Encouraging Effort Over Outcome

    Focusing praise on effort, rather than merely outcomes, can reinforce a growth mindset in children. Faber encourages parents to praise the hard work and persistence exhibited in tasks:
    - “I can see how much effort you put into your drawing; your colors are so bright!” - This fosters a belief that abilities can be developed through dedication, encouraging resilience during challenges.
    Essential Tip: Highlighting effort helps children value hard work instead of just results.
  • Freeing Children from Playing Roles

  • Show New Pictures of Themselves

    Children often find themselves defined by their past behaviors or how others perceive them. One effective way to liberate them from these roles is to show them a new picture of themselves. As Faber suggests, we can do this by:

    • Encouraging them to try different activities.
    • Celebrating their achievements in unfamiliar areas.
    • Reminding them of their unique qualities regularly.

    By highlighting various strengths, children get opportunities to redefine who they are beyond their past actions.

  • Put Children in Situations for New Perspectives

    Another way to help children break free from limiting roles is to create situations where they can see themselves differently. For instance:

    1. Arrange playdates with new peers that encourage positive behavior.
    2. Involve them in group activities that require teamwork.
    3. Support them in pursuing new hobbies where they can shine.

    These experiences foster self-discovery and show children that they can be more than just the roles they have played.

  • Let Children Overhear Positive Remarks

    Faber emphasizes the power of words and how they can shape a child's self-image. One practical approach is to let children overhear you express positive thoughts about them to others. For example:

    • "I really admire how patient he is when helping his sister."
    • "She has such a creative imagination!"

    Such comments can reinforce a positive self-image, allowing children to envision themselves in a brighter light.

  • Model Desired Behavior

    Children learn significantly from the behaviors of adults around them. It is essential to model the behavior you’d like your children to adopt. Faber notes that:

    • Exhibit patience during frustrating situations.
    • Show empathy towards others in distress.
    • Practice active listening when they speak.

    When children see these traits demonstrated, they can better understand and imitate them, leading to lasting change without demanding it directly.

  • Be a Storehouse for Special Moments

    Being a repository for your child's special moments can help free them from predefined roles. Faber suggests cherishing and recalling these moments, which include:

    • Recalling past accomplishments during discussions about new challenges.
    • Highlighting a time they succeeded against the odds.
    • Reminding them of their talents when they face self-doubt.

    Such reminders help children see that they are multifaceted individuals with a wealth of strengths.

  • Recognize Dual Aspects of Their Personality

    Even a boisterous child can be gentle when the right context is presented. It’s crucial to remind them that these traits can coexist. According to Faber:

    • Encourage gentle interactions with pets or siblings.
    • Celebrate calm moments of focus in their busy lives.
    • Validate their desire to explore both sides of their personality.

    This holistic recognition allows children to embrace their complete selves instead of feeling confined to one role.